I am exhausted. I am half way through a seven day conference and I am tired. (I am at the Lausanne Young Leaders gathering and I guess that is part of the problem. It’s been sometime since I was a young leader.)
This conference follows a great retreat I had with some great folks. I had no down time in between.
Tired is not sexy. Tired is not macho. Tired is yucky. There are so many good things happening. I wish I had more energy. I wish I was less tired.
But I have also come to appreciate tiredness as a critical teacher in my life. Tiredness reminds me of a critical truth that I always forget. Tiredness reminds me that I need God.
In recent camp I took for a group of energetic college students who never get tired, I had to expound on Isaiah 41 and that included the following verses:
“He gives strength to those who are tired; to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. Even youths get tired and weary; even strong young men clumsily stumble. But those who wait for the Lord’s help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles’ wings, they run without growing weary, they walk without getting tired.”
(Isaiah 40: 29-31 NET)
Here we meet another paradox of the Christian faith. God promises His strength to the tired. It follows then that you have to first realize that you are tired and that you lack power before you are in a position to receive His strength and energy. If you think you can run your life with minimal or no help from Him you run on your own resources which can take you some ways but even youths finally get tired and weary.
So God in His deep compassion has to help you realize your need for Him so that he can bless you. Theologically I know we all confess that we need God. Its not the theology God needs to work on. Its our heart that needs to come to a place where we know, in the depths of our being, that it is impossible to take another step. And when we know that then God kicks in.
I see this is the life of Paul in that classic incident of the thorn in the flesh that is recorded in 2 Corinthians 12. Paul had had the privilege of experiencing God in so many wonderful ways. The resurrected Christ came back to give Paul an encore encounter so that Paul would know that Christ was the real deal. And that was just the first of so many more wonderful encounters that Paul had with the Lord on his journey of discipleship and ministry.
It is just impossible for any human being this side of heaven to experience so much before he, subconsciously even, begin to think that he could coast on his gifts and experiences. But God loved Paul, loved him enough to remind him that he was weak apart from Him, loved him enough to give him his thorn in the flesh.
Here is Paul’s report of what he learned.
“Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me – so that I would not become arrogant. I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”
(2 Corinthians 12: 7b-10 NET)
I am no longer a young leader. I no longer have the energy levels of twenty years ago. I get tired more easily. I need more down time. But I have also come to understand even welcome the pedagogy of fatigue.
I have begun to see God’s deep love for me through the years. I have seen Him allow things to happen in my life to help me realize my utter dependence on Him. I have seen Him teach me again and again because I forget so easily.
The fact is, apart for Him I can do nothing. Every moment of my life I desperately need His grace, His forgiveness, His strength, His wisdom…every moment of my life I desperately need Him. But I forget so easily.
I can see now that gifted individuals and churches and organizations with a lot of resource have to work that much harder to remember their desperate need of God. And that is why perhaps that many gifted individuals and powerful churches and organizations, go through periods of difficulties. Spiritual attacks? Perhaps. But perhaps humbling lessons allowed b God, lessons that come from His ruthless love.
So yes I have come to appreciate the place of fatigue in my life. It’s not that I seek to be tired. So much physical, emotional and spiritual damage comes from continuous fatigue.
God’s desire is that we experience His shalom.
But we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Fatigue appears too often in modern society. We should seek to approximate God’s ideal of a balance between work and rest.
But fatigue, when it happens can still be redeemed. It can still function as a teacher. It can remind us of our true nature, as created beings, as dependent beings, dependent on a loving sustaining God. And as we remember God stands ever ready to renew us and to give us life.
“I need thee, O I need thee, ev’ry hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.”
Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan