In my third year of seminary I had a very strong urge to go to Oxford to pursue a DPhil. I ran the idea by a friend and mentor. He said he thought that my doing a PhD would be a stretch. When I suggested that maybe I should do a DMin, a doctorate in ministry which was less academic, he said that he thought that would be more suitable for me. I was disappointed because I wanted to follow in the footsteps of many of the teachers I admired who had received their doctorates from Oxford. But looking back, I am absolutely clear that my friend was right and had saved me from a bad mistake. Good friends help each other discern what they ought to be doing with their lives, especially when they face vocational crossroads.
Spiritual friends are friends of each other because of their common friendship with Christ and who are committed to help each other follow Christ. One aspect of this journey is to encourage one another to serve the Lord and to help each other discern what shape that service should be. In Romans 12, Paul writes:
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. (Rom 12:3 NIV)
We need to think of ourselves with sober judgement, to have a realistic picture of ourselves. Some of us think of ourselves “too highly”. I think there are also others who think of themselves too lowly. We need to think of ourselves accurately. The input of a good friend helps. So, no, I was not cut out for academic scholarship, important as that is. I am more preacher and encourager. My good friend helped me see that.
It’s interesting what Paul writes just before the verses above.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Rom 12: 1–2 NIV)
It seems there are two prerequisites if spiritual friends are to help each other with vocational discernment. One, we need to be surrendered to God and His purposes. And two, we need our thinking to be shaped by the Word. In these two things, too, we are on a journey but we nevertheless still have to be bear them in mind. Otherwise, we may ask our friends to shy away from a task because it is too costly. But we need to be obedient to God, whatever the cost. And our counsel must be based on God’s Word. Indeed, one biblical principle based on Romans 12:4–8 is that our vocation should help us to be good stewards of the abilities God has entrusted to us.
I also believe that in speaking into a friend’s life we do not take over his or her life. We share our thoughts humbly and sensitively, but our friends are responsible before God to make their calls. They may choose not to walk the way we suggest. So we still bless them. We don’t badger them to comply with our view. And there is the possibility that we may be wrong. If, indeed, we are right, we trust that the Lord will find another way to tell them.
Spiritual friendship is not transactional. We do not enter into a spiritual friendship to get something out of it. Spiritual friends journey together because they love each other and enjoy each other’s company as they follow Christ. But they also find great joy in being able to help each other if they can. As we journey together, as we get to know each other better, we can help each other get greater clarity as to what we are meant to do.
Resource on Vocational Discernment – Discover Your Calling: The A-B-C of Vocational Discernment