Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. — Dr. Earl A. Grollman
Yesterday (15 Jan) I met up with a friend for coffee. He lost his wife last year to cancer. I had gone through a widowhood experience myself and reached out to him. We finally found a common time when we could meet and catch up.
I deliberately do this — reach out to friends who have experienced widowhood. I recall what it was like when I lost my first wife to cancer. Many caring people came to encourage me. I really appreciated their care. Then Pastor Lim Soon Hock came by. I recall clearly the moment when he walked into my house. It was a significant moment because Soon Hock had also lost his first wife.
Losing a spouse is the most significant loss that one can go through. It is tougher if the couple had been married a long time and the marriage was a healthy one. The Bible is not kidding when it talks about a married couple becoming one flesh. To lose a spouse is to lose a co-anchor for life. To be married for any period of time is to have created a life meant for two. To lose a spouse is to have your life halved.
I am not implying that one can’t heal from the loss of a spouse. Many have done so. I have. But unless one has gone through a similar loss, it is virtually impossible to empathise with someone who has lost a spouse.
I don’t recall Pastor Soon Hock saying very much. He gave a few wise suggestions. But it was his presence that ministered deeply to me. We looked at each other with a “you know, I know” exchange. And that was what I needed.
Most of the time people want to help you by fixing you. But grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is a journey to be walked. A widower does not need fixers. He needs a friend to sit with him, to cry with him, to be with him.
I asked my friend if he had people trying to fix him. He said most had been kind. But there was one person who asked him why he was so emotional, i.e. still grieving over his loss. My carnal self wants to punch people like that, but I remind myself that we are all ignorant till we know better.
The Bible does not forbid grief but it does remind us to grieve with hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). We know how everything pans out in the end. But we need to survive the present. So for all of us, especially those of us who have experienced similar losses, let’s bear one another’s burdens.