We were in Penang the last couple of days to visit my mother. It was a good visit. She seems to have shaken off the worst of the shingles that afflicted her earlier in the year. We took a drive to Balik Pulau. Had excellent laksa there — both the sour and the Thai styles, and managed to purchase a gunny sack of durians for twelve ringgit. The fruits were all good and came up to about one ringgit per fruit!
If there is one place in the world I would call home it would be Penang. I was born there and lived there till I finished my pre-university studies. I came back to pastor my first church there — my home church — where I had the privilege of serving for four years. And the many years I lived outside of Penang I visited regularly because dad and mum lived there. Dad is gone now, his body buried in Western Road Cemetery. But mum is there, and other family, and many old friends.
It is not always easy to visit Penang these days. Penang may be my home town but it is also the place where I sometimes experience intense emotional turmoil. There is no other place on earth where I am buffeted so strongly by both my past and my future.
When I am in Penang I can never tell when I will be suddenly assaulted by powerful and poignant memories. I drive by St Xavier’s, my old school, and wonder if I was really young once. So many memories. I see the small field near my mum’s place and suddenly remember my sons, Stephen and Andrew, running and playing there when they were young. There were times that were incredibly sad, the death of their mum, the break up of my second marriage — yet I remember them happily playing in that small field and I remember how I tried so hard to shield them from the tragedies of our lives. We have all healed and moved on. But sometimes I am overwhelmed by old memories and ambushed by tears.
And of course dad is everywhere. I arranged for a plumber to do some work at mum’s place and the young man assured us that he would do a good job “for uncle’s (dad’s) sake.” Dad was virtually the mayor of Pulau Tikus, our village. He had many “nephews and nieces” whom he loved. Above all, dad loved his children and grandchildren. His joy was obvious and palpable whenever we came to visit. Dad was so full of life. It was so sad to see him weakened by congestive heart failure towards the end. I am glad that he no longer has to suffer, yet I miss him… Penang is a place where the past lies waiting and as I get older the memories grow.
But Penang is also a place where I am confronted by my future. Each time I visit mum I wonder how many more times will I have the privilege of visiting her. I know that only God knows who goes first and who goes next. Still, I can’t help but wonder. And every time I visit mum she will remind me that “next time” (an apocalyptic term for when she has passed on) I mustn’t sell the family house. She hopes that I will return to Penang and live in our place in Pulau Tikus. It is a very convenient location. We could do worse then to retire there. But it is difficult to think of retirement. And even more difficult to think of a time when mum will no longer be around.
Not all my visits to Penang have been so emotionally difficult. This last one was. Perhaps I have been pushing myself a bit this past month and was emotionally more vulnerable. Or maybe mid life is a time of your life when you are poised between the past and the future and confronted by both.
We came back to Singapore last night. I am still processing my feelings. This passage from Philippians came to mind:
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labour for me. Yet what will I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is necessary for you that I remain in the body. (1:21-24 TNIV)
Paul went through so much in his life. He had many lifetimes cramped into the time he encountered Jesus on the Damascus road till the time he went home to the Lord. How was he able to process all that happened to him? This passage from Philippians gives us a clue. No matter where he was and what he went through, he was always rooted in Christ. He was not defined by his past nor his future. Paul was defined by his relationship with the Lord who loved him and whom he loved. His past and his future were defined by Christ.
Indeed, earlier on in Romans, he had already reminded us that:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39 TNIV)
So as I face my past and my future I remind myself that the overwhelming reality of my life is the love of God. This is the one constant that will hold me steady when past and future come visiting. Penang may be my home town but Jesus is my real home. It’s going to be ok. I look forward to my next visit to Penang.