Recently a pastor friend asked me what I thought was the state of the church in Singapore. I get asked this once in a while. I guess it’s because I have the privilege of ministering with churches in various denominations.
I paused before I answered him. I didn’t think I was in a place to answer a question like that. I see each church as unique and my ministry is not one that affords me a bird’s eye view. When I did answer I said that I had felt the same concern for many years now and had nothing new to add. I have been feeling that the church has lost its concern for the individual person. Some churches are concerned for right doctrine. They put a high emphasis on teaching. Others are concerned for missions and service. Their members are encouraged to share the gospel, help the poor, and/or advocate for godly values in society. Others seek to encounter God in a direct experiential way. They usually focus on high-energy worship gatherings with emotionally charged music and preaching. And, of course, some churches will have various combinations of all three.
All these three focuses have their place in Christian expression. It’s not what is happening that is necessarily wrong. It is what is missing. A concern for the personal. Whether we are learning, doing, or feeling in church, we are usually in a large gathering, but the individuals in the gathering are not seen. They are just part of a group. And while there is a place for communal spiritual formation, I do not see many churches actually committed to one-on-one, or small-group, spiritual formation.
The late Dr James Houston described such personal encounters in this way:
I believe that, rather than professional pursuits or even writing meaningful books, the prime action of our lives is the face-to-face encounter with others, bringing God’s presence into their lives by being “living epistles,” as the apostle puts it. Daily interruptions while working provide a continual reminder that thinking is meaningless without action, indeed that action is meaningless without the cultivation of friendships. [1]
Such an approach to ministry and discipleship takes seriously the uniqueness of each individual. When I embark on a mentoring friendship with someone, I take a naïve approach, not assuming that I know anything about this person, refusing to lump that person into some category. I hold my bias at bay and lead with my ears. I want to listen to this person’s stories before I attempt any dialogue with him/her. Again quoting Houston,
Personal relations require us to attend to the particularity of the other. Uniqueness is a God-given gift of our personhood that we must celebrate in each other. Thus one of my inner habits has been to cultivate a prayerful attitude in the presence of other people, whispering inwardly, “Lord make me reverent in the presence of this unique child for whom you died.” [2]
An Anglican friend said that if I ever became confirmed as an Anglican (I am free church), I will probably have to bow before the bishop. I thought that if I had to do that, I would also bow before all my brothers and sisters. I want to learn to be reverent in the presence of all who bear the image of Christ.
My pastor friend’s presence helped reinforce in me what will be a key ministry for me going forward. Indeed, so much of my time now is spent in leisurely one-on-one conversations with old friends and new ones. It would appear that there are many who long to be seen by God for who they are through being seen by a brother or a sister, and when we have these conversations we bring an awareness of the presence of God into each other’s lives. I find great joy in doing this though it is hard work. Listening empathetically to someone is hard work. Again, as Houston reminds us,
The role of listening remains critically important, as all good mentors know, for if language is so centrally expressive of our humanness, listening is its corollary. Yet good listeners are rare, for it is a humble and selfless role, too costly for most people. To listen truly requires relational skills to differentiate levels of communication: fact-centered complaints, projection, transference, obsessions, self-pity, and much more. It implies we give an understanding context to the other. It is to enter actually the world of the other, which may require much patience, empathy, congruence, and even courage, as well as truthfulness and wisdom.
The purpose of listening is more than healing, for it is also to enjoy a measure of self-transcendence. The exercise of kindness, in giving “space for the other to be” and in the desire to free the hearts of others, is a sign we are moving forward into the realm of beneficence, where love is being radiated selflessly. [3]
And how do we grow in the discipline of listening? There are many good training materials out there on the why and the how of listening. But the heart of listening is not technique. It is love. We need to love people enough to give them the gift of listening. And we get better through practice. I have been practising listening for about 50 years now. I think I have improved a little.
So what is needed in the church in Singapore today? Personal spiritual formation experienced in spiritual friendship where we relate to one another in the presence of our friend Jesus. I am doing a lot of this these days. I meet up with folks of various ages and swap stories. Gently we see how God can feature in our stories. I thank God for those who are also practising this. We need many more. I am not sure how we can promote this commitment to personal ministry. It can never be mass produced. I can only hope that those who have experienced it see its value and pass it forward. As for me? Well, maybe my mission as I journey on in my 70s is “the practice and promotion of spiritual friendship”. And my key verse:
“… encourage one another and build each other up … ”
(1 Thessalonians 5:11)
Pray for me.
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[1] James M. Houston, Joyful Exiles (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2006),177.
[2] Joyful Exiles,135.
[3] James M. Houston, The Mentored Life (Colorado Springs, CO: NAVPRESS, 2002), 121, 122.