“Dad, you love ministry more than me.”
Once, one of my children said that to me. Of course life is usually more complicated and resists being reduced to one statement. But, essentially, he was right. I graduated from theological college in my early 30s and began my church vocational ministry shortly after. I had gifts in preaching and teaching. My church appreciated this, though my weaknesses in other areas of ministry soon became apparent. But I always received good feedback for my preaching and teaching. Soon I was invited to speak at other churches, church camps, and conferences. I was also asked to teach courses in seminary. In my 30s I was also invited to chair a seminary board.
Such affirmation is very heady and addictive. I didn’t realise how seductive this was. I found it hard to say “no” to the many invitations that were coming in. After all I was doing God’s work and blessing people. But I was also married and with a child and then two. It was assumed that my wife would take care of the home and the children when I went out to do my thing. Once, my wife then (she passed away from cancer) said “you give your best to the people you are ministering to and bring your emotional leftovers when you come home”.
My children would leave me alone when I came back from taking a camp or a conference. One result of fatigue is anger. In Luke 10:38–42 we see Martha angry with Mary and Jesus because she had been left to do all the work. Constant anger is one sign that you are overcommitted. When we are ministering to others we put on our best face. We hold back our fatigue and anger till we get home. And then we explode.
And even if we are at home and not out ministering, we are not really at home. Our minds may still be evaluating talks we have given — was I good enough, why did I make that mistake, etc. This is very understandable if our self-worth is primarily rooted in our ministry performance. And we think of talks we have yet to give, thinking about how we can excel in those talks. So, we are at home but not at home. Nowadays we may also be at home but are scrolling through our smart phones in a desperate attempt to get some relief from our stress. What we are not doing is engaging with our family.
Of course it is not pastors alone who are guilty of the above. Anyone who roots their self-worth in their work will be guilty of the above. I can think of doctors, politicians, teachers, etc. Ironically, these are mostly folks who care for people and are so committed to their work because they are deeply moved by the needs they face every day. But there is such a thin line between compassion and the dysfunctional need to be needed. It doesn’t help that we get a lot of praise and appreciation when we serve others. This is definitely more emotionally satisfying than working on a tough marriage and/or trying to raise children, especially children who need more patience and care. And it sure beats taking care of ageing parents who may not be cooperative, nor appreciative of what you are trying to do.
How do we move away from a work-centred life? Well, I don’t think the answer is to move to a family-centred life. The answer is to move to a Christ-centred life. In the Martha and Mary story, Martha was need-centred. There was so much that needed to be done. But Mary was Christ-centred. She chose to sit at His feet first. In the Gospel of Luke, the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25 –37) came just before this particular account. Followers of Christ are committed to love their neighbour sacrificially as an expression of their love for God. Yet, even then, our love for God must come first and our love for neighbour flows out of that. Our lives need to be Christ-centred and not need-centred. And to live in this way we will need community, mentors, and spiritual friends to remind us, to rebuke us, and to cheer us on.
It is also going to need a lot of self-awareness. And a regular repentance from, and renouncing of, the idolatry of work and ministry. Lent is the perfect time for this. I believe there is hope. Yesterday I met up with two bright young pastors I have the privilege to be walking with. Both of them, independently, said they had decided to scale back on ministry time to devote more time to their spouses and their children. I tried not to show it, but I was almost in tears.
