In preparation for our upcoming Sexual Assault Conference, I thought I would do well to revisit all that we had packed into the 344 pages of the book we published in 2023 on this very topic of Sexual Assault in the Church. I was humbled by the honesty of the narratives we captured within these pages and the sheer depth of information that covered almost every conceivable facet of the subject.
Right on the first page, one of the endorsers had this to say:
“This book is hard reading. It is hard because the content is painful, the stories are disturbing, and you will be tempted to put it aside. Don't put it aside. … You will need people to come alongside you as you read it, people of experience and wisdom to help you hear it. Don't leave it as a book.” Rev Dr Dev Menon, Zion Bishan BP Church
After publishing the book, we really felt that people needed to “hear it”. One young man called us up on our office line to tell us that he was a victim who had left his church because there was no one he could tell his struggles to; no one heard him.
Sexual assaults cross gender lines, age lines, denominational lines, authority lines. Yet, just this week I was made aware of a pastor who had said that sexual assault does not exist in his church. Wishful thinking, perhaps? Or head-in-the-sand thinking? Does it not exist because people have no recourse to help? The raw stories you will read in our book will tell you that many have met with stone walls when they sought help. Or worse ….
This next account took place after a young adult had kept quiet about having been sexually groomed by his youth pastor. Years later, he discovered to his horror that, as a result of his silence, his younger brother had also been preyed upon by the same youth pastor. He decided to bring the matter to the attention of his Senior Pastor.
“Before I met this pastor to discuss what had happened, my stomach was on fire. This was unprecedented: how often does one ever find oneself as a young adult needing to address a sexual misconduct of a church staff with a pastor? … After the usual formalities, I navigated my way carefully through the details of the incident. Although my memory of other details of the conversation is foggy, I haven’t forgotten the pastor’s first expression: he smiled. Chuckling, shaking his head, and looking down, he tutted at S____’s behaviour, like how a father might gently chide his child for coming home with dirty knees.
“At that time, my frustration had yet to surface. … But when I reflected on the conversation, especially on the pastor’s reaction, I grew increasingly exasperated. How could he respond to such an allegation with such callousness, with a shocking lack of regard for the gravity of what had happened? Would he have taken this more seriously if S____ had been inappropriate with a younger girl instead—like his daughter?” (1)
In the case of another young adult, horrendous sexual assaults took place on the mission field. Bewildered and with no recourse to counselling nor help, she suffered in silence.
“For the next two weeks, I stayed in my room with the lights off when my teammates were out. I could not sleep or eat much, and I did not participate in any activities. … Alone with my thoughts, without any tools to process what had happened, I started replaying the scenarios, blaming my foolishness, then blaming God for being absent when I expected divine protection—especially as a missionary on the field. To cope with my anguish, I would tiptoe into the laundry area to muffle my weeping and gnashing of teeth as I anguished in my new hell.” (2)
It was years (and subsequent assault incidents) before any measure of healing came. The caring and compassionate intervention of a lady pastor who pointed her in the direction of a professional Christian counselling organisation and a trusted cell-group community helped her begin the long journey to wholeness.
Sexual assaults do happen to Christians both in the church and outside. Sadly, often when something happens in the church, they go unreported. Does the institution’s reputation trump everything else? Or does the church leadership have its heart in the wrong place?
“But what about his family?! How is it fair to have their lives affected by this? It’s not their fault! How can you do this to them?!” (3)
What we don’t know will hurt us. Our hope in organising this conference isn’t to point fingers, but to shine a light on how churches can become safe havens for those who have suffered. In St Paul’s treatise on the church being one body with many different members, he says in 1 Corinthians 12:26,
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (NIV)
How can we do nothing—not hear it—when members of our churches are hurting? How can they be heard if they don’t know who to bring it to? The converse situation will also need to be heard … what if a person in authority is being wrongfully accused? By bringing together advocates, theologians, pastors, and lay leaders, we hope that life-giving conversations can begin, life-saving safety protocols can be put in place, and the Body of Christ can begin the much-needed journey to justice and healing.
Don’t leave it as a book …
_____
(1) Ephraim*, “When My Mentor Was a Predator and the Church Didn’t Care”, pp. 213–219.
(2) Angie Lim, “Broken Roads: The Long Journey to Wholeness”, pp. 55–66.
(3) Simon Murphy, “Choosing Justice, Not Fear: A Lead Pastor’s Conviction”, pp. 247–255.
*Name has been changed to maintain confidentiality.