He paid for lunch. I jokingly asked him if lunch had exhausted his entertainment budget for the year. He said “no”, that he had paid for lunch out of his own pocket, not from some church budget. He wanted me to be clear that this lunch came from his pocket and from his heart. He is a young pastoral worker that I have had the privilege of walking with. He had been to my home a few times where we had shared meals. This was the first time we met over a meal in a restaurant.

He had insisted on paying for the meal. He wanted to be able to bless me as I had blessed him. It was at that point that I realised that though we may be mentor and mentee, we were now friends. Because one of the characteristics of friendship that differentiates it from other relationships is mutuality. In friendship, we give and take.

One of the last things that my professor and mentor, J. I. Packer said to me, was “Soo-Inn can you pray for me?”. This was a mighty man of God who had been used greatly by God through his life. And now he was requesting prayer from me. It didn’t help that I come from an Asian background which is much more hierarchical, where the young respect and honour the old, and are seen more as recipients of the input of the older rather than giving input to them. But here it was, the author of Knowing God asking me to pray for him. It dawned on me then that we were friends.

In the seminal book on friendship, Becoming Friends (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2002), Paul Wadell reminds us:

In order for there to be a friendship, the benevolence we offer another must be returned to us in kind. Thus, the sixth characteristic of friendship is mutuality.

Mutuality tells us that friendships cannot be one-sided. Friendships are relationships in which each person is committed to the other and each does good things for the other. Just as one person cannot make a marriage work, friendship demands the investment of two people in each other’s well-being. In a friendship, each person knows the good he or she wishes the other is wished for them in return. (60–61)

We see this mutuality even in the friendship that Jesus offers to His disciples.

He is willing to accept material support from a group of lady friends (Luke 8:1–3). He desires the companionship of His three closest friends when He faces His crisis in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36–46). On the cross, He asks John to take care of His mother (John 19:26–27). Although we are quite used to seeing Jesus as the one who blesses others, Jesus — truly God and truly man — gives as a friend, but also receives care in return. Friendship is mutual.

Even as we desire that there be a growth in friendship, both in our faith communities and in the world, we want to remember that friendship is marked by a commitment to mutual care. This does not mean that both parties in the friendship are equal. I understand that J. I. Packer was a remarkable scholar who had brought a lifetime of scholarship to bear on the renewal of the Church. There was no way that I could come close to his level of scholarship. Mutuality does not presume equality. But we do care for each other.

Packer has passed away. His wife, Kit, has also passed away. We miss our friends deeply. Their absence will be keenly felt in our next trip to Vancouver. Our next reunion will have to wait for the life to come.

I am very grateful to my seniors and my betters who extended friendship to me. I think the onus is on those who are more mature to extend the hand of friendship to those who are younger and less experienced. But if the goal is to grow a friendship, there must be this mutuality. Friends build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11).